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May 29, 1979 (11 years old)

Published 19900810 by Digital Slob | E-mail this post

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After moving last summer, my plan was to stay invisible at University Elementary for the entire sixth grade — the only year I’d be here. And it was working. Until yesterday.

Last week, Mrs. Adams insisted I sign up for field day. I picked “Basketball Toss,” since it involves the least amount of movement under duress.

The first shot, worth a ridiculous 2,000 points, was an impossible 30-footer way past the free-throw line. For an oily kid standing outside in ill-fitting Husky blue jeans at 10 a.m., it seemed like the most pointless exercise yet in a most pointless day. But that didn’t stop a few dozen other kids from standing behind me, waiting their turn, in alphabetical order.

Without any arc, rotation or dramatic pause, I heaved the ball at the goal. It slammed into the back of the rim, then relentlessly beat about the whole thing the way Apollo Creed went after Rocky in rounds 2 through 14. But then, also like Apollo (in “Rocky II”), the ball eventually ran out of gas and collapsed — through the hoop. The gasps were so loud, I mistakenly thought all the excitement had caused my Huskies to faint to my ankles.

The blue ribbon was unavoidable. And everybody wanted to know my name.

So today I got to play hoops with the jocks — for about three minutes. Maybe their scout should spend a little more time sizing up new talent and a little less tormenting that little kid who eats his own hair.

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