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April 1, 1969 (2 months old)

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OK, I’ve figured it out. When I’m hungry, I cry and get fed. When I’m dirty, I cry and someone changes my diapers. I can sleep as much as I want, whenever I want, and anyone who accidentally wakes me up is severely punished. Apparently, the whole world revolves around me. This is going to be SWEET!


4-minute reads

  • Click above to read my columns. Don't be afraid. It's just reading -- you're doing it now, only you scroll down a bit more and keep going. Think of it like a trip to the dentist. Apprehensive at first, but then there's laughing gas. Only you won't be spitting up swallowed blood once my hilarity subsides. If you are, let me know immediately, because that means I'm obviously doing something very, very wrong.